(a parody article for entertainment)
For purposes of this discussion, there are two kinds of people that matter in the world.
1) Those who fuck
2) Those who get fucked
Now women are pretty easy to categorize in this. Almost all of them like to get fucked, and the only thing you need to be good at is figuring out:
a) at what stage they are of receptivity,
b) what is the best angle of approach, and
c) is there already some man making sure they get fucked regularly.
For men, though, there is more involved as in addition to these, they need to first be separated out into
a) Men (Males who like to fuck), and
Since trying to fuck a fellow man leads to a lot of pain and grief for everybody (not that there aren’t plenty of men that enjoy that), telling them apart is an essential skill.
If you’re a man, and fortunate enough to be able to tell a faggot at a glance, your life is easy. Unlike women, faggots are virtually always receptive, even if they don’t know it, so any time you spot a faggot, it will certainly want you to use it, and you’ve got it made. If, on the other hand, you aren’t able to tell every faggot at a glance, you need to know and understand the signs. Faggots, by nature, need to serve men, and they are constantly throwing off signs that work together to tell you if you’ve found a good fuck. Some of the signs are present all the time, while others will need to be encouraged. In the case of some faggots that have grown up thinking they are men, it may be as complex as giving it the opportunity to ease its conscience and accept its natural role. For most faggots, though, it is as simple as the use of bait.
It’s important, when baiting a potential faggot, to remember that the key is escalation. With the exception of a few extremely faggy outliers, even a full-on faggot won’t want to be seen as too easy, and will be afraid that you’re just a fellow faggot interested in exposing it in order to remove it from competition. Moving too quickly is likely to drive it into hiding and cause you more work in the long run. You need to identify it, cultivate it slowly over a period of minutes, or even hours. In a few cases, it may even take several days to get the faggot to feel comfortable in giving it up. Patience may be necessar, so remember at all times that you are working toward the day when it finally understands just how lucky it is, as you take its ass and truly make it yours.
When identifying a faggot, it helps to remember that faggots need to serve men who like to fuck, and they really can’t help themselves. It frequently causes them to give themselves away. In general, if you’re a guy who likes to fuck, spotting the faggot is going to be easy. The faggots will be drawn toward your natural air of superiority, and will have trouble resisting you, making the whole thing smoother and faster. It will constantly be looking for reasons to be near you, to help you, and especially an opportunity to touch a man that likes to fuck. Some key markers are
Public and Semi-Public Baiting and Signs:
Brushing against you in passing, when there was lots of room to avoid it. When passing in hallways and public spaces, the faggot is constatnly alert, looking for men of breeding age, and will take every available opportunity to get a good sniff at a guy to see if it can detect man pheromones.
Sitting close enough that its legs end up touching yours, especially if your skin is exposed, so that it can imagine you are actually touching it on purpose. In extreme cases, the faggot will shiver whenever its clothes or skin come in contact with yours.
Sitting at your feet, so that it’s shoulders touch your knee or thigh. Often it may become nearly paralyzed with the touch of a man’s skin, and can’t resist the urge to let its fingers brush against your feet, socks, or footwear, in an attempt to imagine what it would be like if you ground your foot against its faggot junk or kicked it.
If you are uncertain whether the touch is accidental, or a faggot touch, you can often trap it by feigning sleep to see if it sniffs at you or licks you. If it is desperate enough, you may, by feigning that you are passed out, be able to get it to dry-hump your leg in a desperate attempt to imagine you allowed it to serve you.
In social situations, if you actually have to move a few inches to grab a handful of chips, or a piece of pizza, the faggot will leap up, even from the other side of the room, to get it for you, frequently using it as an excuse to sit near your feet in hopes of physical contact. You can also try inviting it to a party, and asking it to supply the booze, then see if it actually asks for some money. Or have booze at the party, but not enough. The faggot will always give itself away by offering to go get more, and in both cases will bring back lots extra in hopes of being treated as one of the men.
If you have a pretty good idea that you’ve spotted a faggot, but are not certain, once you’ve had a few, fling your leg over the potential fag, and rest your foot on its groin while saying something like “You’re kind of handy to have around.” If he’s a man, he’ll do something like give you the finger and push you off, saying things like “Just cause your girlfriend likes wearing a gas mask doesn’t mean the rest of us do.” On the other hand, If it’s a faggot, it will probably get a hard-on, and press back. If it’s particularly desperate, it may start massaging your foot.
When offering to make sure you get home after you’ve had a couple too many, the faggot always gives itself away by supporting you more than the bare minimum to get you home. It may “accidentally” rub its nose in your armpit or groin, or lick you. If you act really drunk, and call it by a girl’s name and mention head, the faggot can’t resist giving you a blowjob which it will use as a fantasy to jerk off to for the rest of its life.
If you wake up after heavy partying and find a dude’s face anywhere near your pits, crotch or ass, look for signs of cum on it’s crotch, or drool on yours. Faggots that find a man passed out will often try to cop just a little sniff, but they can never resist another, and another, and soon they end up cumming in their pants and falling asleep from exhaustion.
A dude that likes to rough-house, but somehow always ends up on the bottom is probably a faggot. It is probably using you, by mentally masturbating to the thought that you are actually fucking it, rather than just fighting with it. Pay careful attention during and after wrestling for prick twitching, adjusting when it gets up, wet spots on its groin, or a glazed look and drool running from its mouth.
Semi-Private Baiting and Signs (Men’s Room, Pools, Gyms etc.)
There are several indicators of a faggot that happen in the men’s room, but many of them are difficult to catch, as the faggot becomes good at hiding its need at an early age.
Standing at a closer urinal than is appropriate in a men’s room. This can be an especially good clue if it is the kind that normally sits in the stall to piss, and it is obvious it is only standing because of the chance to be near you. An easy escalation here is to step back an inch and let your dick get harder. Other men will simply ignore you and step away, while the faggot will have no choice but to stare, and may start drooling.
If it accidentally bumps into you while you are pissing, it is probably an attempt to get some on itself. You can test this by spraying a little piss across its legs or hands and watch to see the level of anger verses excited embarrassment. You may need to apologize if it was another man, but really, if the dude is close enough to bump you at the urinal, he’s probably embarrassed anyway so it shouldn’t escalate. On the other hand, if it’s a faggot, having man-piss on it will short circuit its brain and it will be frozen by a wave of pleasure. If the faggot is particularly worked up, getting some of your masculine piss on it may cause it to visibly twitch and cum on the spot, possibly even fainting.
When walking away from a urinal where a suspected faggot has been hovering, turn around unexpectedly. You can sometimes catch the faggot licking drops of man piss off the porcelain of the urinal you were at, running its finger across the piss to lick off, or sniffing at the pool of piss in the bottom. Even if it manages to stand quickly, you can often identify them by looking for signs of pubic hair stuck to its lips or nose.
Watch whether the potential faggot makes a habit of going into a stall right after you leave. Sometimes when you shit you leave a streak of sweat or even a little shit on the toilet seat or porcelain. If it tries to use the stall right after you, it may be hoping to lick the back of the toilet seat to catch whatever you left behind. You can often entice them into the trap by regularly forgetting to flush, in order to leave them bait that is difficult for a faggot to resist. A man who finds a toilet with a log in it will likely swear and either flush immediately or move to another stall, while the faggot will admire it for as long as it thinks it can before flushing it away, or may just sit above it for a few minutes enjoying the stink wafting up between its legs. One good key in a quiet toilet is to listen for sounds of huffing from the stall where you left the log.
Faggots can also be spotted in locker rooms, either before or after sports, or at the gymn or pool. Try leaving sweaty or streaked shorts, or a pair of particularly fetid socks or runners where it can come across them while you step away to shower or piss. You may find they have moved, or have wet spots on them where the faggot has suckled at your stink and taste. In extreme cases, they may have disappeared altogether. You have to remember this is only a short term loss. Once a faggot has taken your dirty shorts, it will begin to obsess about your smell and will spend most of its time in a mix of playing with itself while sniffing or sucking on them, and desperately thinking of a way to offer its ass to you. Think of it as an investment in future fucks.
Ask it to hold your feet while you do situps, then take your shoes and socks off. Once your feet start to get sweaty under its hands, it won’t be able to resist leaning in for a good sniff, and maybe licking its hands when you’re done. If you have a quiet corner to yourselves, you can escalate here by laying back and sliding your foot up its thighs and belly, then pressing your heel into its crotch as hard as you can while adjusting so that your dick slips out of the leg of your gym shorts. This one requires care, as the faggot may slip into a trance, and once it begins to drool and hump your foot, it can quickly become an embarrassment. You must be ready to drive your heel into its junk to get it to cme back to the real world before it annoys the other patrons.
Set up a dummy email address, then get chummy with the potential faggot and let it find the address. In a moment of sarelessness, let slip that you have a thing for a particular fetish, maybe you “love seeing asses in purple thongs.” The faggot won’t be able to resist getting a hardon at the thought of a man looking at a picture of it, and you should get your fist photos within a day or two at most. An escalation here, is to leave a printout of the thong-ass by your bed with a puddle of drying cum on it. The faggot is sure to take that as a good sign, and will start looking for new and interesting ways to offer you its ass.
Sometimes faggots will even participate in sports, in an effort to be close to men, and to appear as one of the guys in hopes of getting to touch you. If you suspect a faggot is involved in your game, you can try maneuvering to a point where your sweaty pit is near its face. A faggot can’t resist a sweaty pit, and if pressed hard enough will lose control and will have to stop everything to nuzzle your stink. Once it has your pit-juice on its face, it belongs to you. Be aware, though, that many faggots find deodorant unpleasant, so if you are hoping to catch a faggot this way, you shouldn’t do anything that will cover your natural pit smell. This, of course, leads to:
Private Baiting and Signs (Close quarters)
If you are living in close quarters with the potential faggot, perhaps room-mates, or sharing a barracks or other common area in a business or residence, you have added opportunities for testing. Watch for guys that apologize after you’ve hurt them. You step on their foot in the hall and they say they’re sorry. You bump into them when you’re in a hurry and they say they’re sorry. While trying to make room for your own stuff on the desk you knock theirs on the floor and they say they’re sorry. The faggot is desperately afraid of offending you, since that would reduce the chance of it getting to touch you, smell you, or see you naked.
Leave the bathroom door open when using the toilet. A guy that likes to fuck will generally keep his distance, and tell you to “Close the fucking door and turn on the fan, asshole.” while the faggot will have trouble resisting your scent and whatever glimpses it can get of your body. If you leave it open when showering, it may even be unable to resist the idea that you’re actually trying to give it a show, and will probably end up playing with itself while you’re all wet. When you emerge, watch for puddles or streaks on the floor near the door of the bathroom, or the smell of spunk. Even if you can’t see any evidence, try saying “Christ, it smells like a whorehouse in here. Did you play with yourself?” If the dude is a man that likes to fuck, he’ll probably respond with “In your dreams, homo. If I dropped a load your pillow would be wet.” while the faggot will simply turn red and mutter, and maybe get that look like your dog used to when it pissed on the floor.
Cum is a weak spot for many faggots, and they have a real problem resisting it’s draw. One easy way to identify the faggot is to leave a cum rag laying near your bed, or a pair of dirty shorts that you’ve used to wipe up a load. It may be able to resist once or twice, but if you leave enough bait out, sooner or later it lose control. A particularly effective method is to blast a thick load in your dirty shorts and tell it you’re leaving for a couple of hours, then double back a moment later to see if has gone for the bait. Even if you can’t catch it in the act of sucking the jizz out of the cloth, there may be signs like blobs of fresh cum on it’s nose or lips.
If you have a potential faggot for a room-mate, next time you know it is coming home with a “friend,” or what you think is a “cover-girl,” try being naked when they walk in. A guy who likes to fuck will say something like “Dude! What the fuck?” while the faggot will apologize for not checking if it was ok to come in first. At the same time, keep a close eye on the other people. If the faggot’s friend or cover-girl starts drooling and moves away from the faggot to get closer to you, it’s a pretty good sign that the dude is a faggot. At that point, you can try putting the moves on the other person, and see if the faggot gets angry or excited. As an added bonus with this, you may get to fuck both the friend/cover-girl and the original faggot. If you succeed in this, you’ve struck gold, as faggots are terrific at spotting competition, and you can now send the faggot out to bring back other holes for you. As long as you continue to let it touch you enough that it thinks you care, it will bring you pussy for the rest of your life.
Start calling the potential faggot a stupid nickname when you’re alone and give it orders. Start easy, with things like “Hey, Pussy, grab me a beer.” If the dude is a man who likes to fuck, he’ll probably tell you to “Fuck off and get it yourself, princess.” In that case, you’ll need to back off and reconsider your approach, but if it just turns red and gets you the beer, you’re in solid. If it brings you back two, it’s desperate and hoping you’ll let it drink your piss later.
Check the potential faggot’s computer when it’s not around. If it’s password is your name, or whatever nickname you’ve been calling it, then it’s a faggot for sure.
If the potential faggot offers to do your laundry, there are a couple of things to watch for, rank clothes that take a few extra days to come back clean (it may have been hanging onto them for a few days to sniff and jerk off with at night) socks, underwear and jockstraps that look newer than they should mysteriously appearing in laundry (like they might be newly purchased to replace older items that “vanished”
If your toilet seat and/or the rim are cleaner than the rest of the bathroom it’s a good bet that you have a desperate faggot in the house that is seeking for the taste and smell of man to satisfy its craving.
Shoes/boots that keep getting moved, or that are suddenly cleaner than normal, or have tongue marks on them, or that appear to have drool inside. There are few things that affect the faggot like man smell, and used footwear is high on that list.
After being passed out from a night of heavy drinking, you wake up and your feet and toenails are cleaner than normal. The faggot is incapable of refusing a chance to touch the parts of a man that smell. Left by itself with an unconscious man, it can’t resist cleaning his feet.
Try a little tease, something such as a compliment, by saying “You’re almost pretty enough to fuck.” At that point, a guy-who-likes-to-fuck will respond with something like “You should be so lucky, douche-bag, stick to paying for it.”, while the faggot will blush and mumble, and may start dressing more provocatively in hopes that it will actually become pretty enough for you to fuck, or, if it is in particularly bad shape, it may simply drop its pants and bend over on the spot.
There are also some external signs you can watch for, that are viewable when the faggot isn’t at hand. Watch for greasiness or stickiness on your broom handles, or the handles of such things as tennis rackets, golf clubs, and tools like hammers. If you are slow to spot the faggot, it may become so desperate to feel its holes filled that it will start fucking itself with otherwise innocuous household items in order to relieve its need. You have to be careful about letting such things go on too long. Aside from the danger of a faggot thinking that it can get along without a man to fill it, there are all sorts of risks to your health from a faggot using household items and neglecting to sterilize them afterward..
As you get closer and closer to certainty about the faggot, there are ways to accelerate the vetting process. Because of the danger of triggering a fight with a man who likes to fuck, these need to be used carefully, and only when your level of certainty about the faggot is already quite high. They should be conidered equivalent to a final meet and greet with a potential employee, after the faggot has passed all of the initial application and interview processes, primarily used for ensuring that the faggot is of sufficient quality to be worth letting it have your cock and cum. There are few things as wasteful as having to throw out a perfectly good faggot because it is a poor match for you.
Try dropping your cumrag on its pillow, or holding it over the fag’s nose and mouth by surprise, preferably while damp, so that you can see if the faggot’s need for man is compatible with your particular pheromones. If it fights you off, it may give you trouble later. If it goes limp and gets a hard-on, you’re good. Just be careful not to stop it from breathing for too long. A dead room-mate, even if it’s just a faggot, can lead to all sorts of headaches. Depending on its family, even a friendly and understanding policeman may have trouble keeping you out of some sort of misdemeanor charge like “damaging property” or, depending what you do with the body, “littering”
When it’s walking by, grab it and throw it to the ground, pulling its face into your crotch. Consider the fit. Do you like the feel of its head between your thighs, or is it the wrong size. Too small a head can be overcome by squeezing your legs tighter, but if the faggot’s head is too big, and you will face mild discomfort from having it between your legs over-night, it’s probably not worth bothering.
An acid, final, test is to accidentally cum on it. When you have no real doubt its a faggot, arrange things so it can watch you jerk off. While it’s watching you, stand up as though to get some fresh porn or something, and “accidentally” spray your load on its face. If you’ve made a gross error and it’s a man, be prepared for a knock-down, drag-out fight that ends with one of you on the street or in the hospital. But if you’ve done it right, you should have him marked as yours for life. If you aren’t buried balls deep in its throat or gut within 24 hours, you’re doing something wrong..
Watch for the follow-up article, Maintaining Your Faggot, coming soon.
The above article is parody and intended for humour and titillation, and is not intended to offer real advice. It is Copyright 2013 by Kevin o’Shea, and a revision of an earlier version published in 2011. Tumblr users are free to repost it on tumblr as long as they keep the entire article intact, including this disclaimer and notice of copyright. You are expressly forbidden from altering the article or presenting it as coming from another person, or publishing it anywhere other than a tumblr.com blog without specific permission. For any uses of this article, outside of tumblr reblogs, please contact me for permission at email@example.com